Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Happy "Beef" Day

No, folks. It isn't national Beef Day. That's coming up on August 26, at the New York State Fair. I'm talking about a different kind of Beef Day. It's B-Fro's birthday. And this time, it's personal. I think I should start out by explaining where the nickname "B-Fro" came from. It all happened many years ago at the "new" house. You see, Johnny-B was an avid WWF wrestling fan and one day he was watching some amazing wrestling action on TV while my friend Peter Sabey was over. We too saw part of the show and noticed that one of the wrestler's was named Johnny B. Badd (As pictured below. 90's wrestlers sure were flamboyant. Notice the amazing synthesizer blanket draped over his shoulders. He also looks like he may have been an early test subject for plastic surgery/botox. Lookin' good, Johnny B. Badd!) Now, since the wrestler's name was Johnny and Johnny's name was Johnny, the most logical thing to do was to start calling our Johnny - Johnny B. Badd. This, however, was just the beginning.
The name Johnny B. Badd didn't stick for long. Johnny had some "fun" hair growing up. Not sure who his barber at Great Clips was or if my mom asked specifically for the "mushroom bowl cut," but for years Johnny B had what can only be described as , well, a mushroom bowl cut. The picture below is almost an exact replica of Johnny's hair growing up; just picture it a few shades darker (if you look up "mushroom bowl cut" on google images, this is the first picture that pops up. Pretty sweet.). So, being that Johnny had a "white-man's fro" his name quickly changed from Johnny B. Badd to Johnny B-Fro. This name has stuck for well over a decade now.

Of course, once the name Johnny B-Fro was applied we realized that it could be altered or varied depending on mood, setting, or occasion. Here are a list of variations of Johnny B-Fro that have come and gone over the years: Johnny LaRu, Johnny Angel, Frovalone, Fro, Jimmy Dean, Johnny B., Johnny Bojangles, The B., Beefstick, Beef N' Stuff, Beef Log, Beef-which. If I'm forgetting any, please send in your comments listing the other names.

So, that is the evolution of Johnny B. Fro. Now, being that it is the Fro's birthday, there is always a concern of his day being spoiled by the diabolical Birthday Bandit. I've issued an all points bulletin with the Ogden police and I've included this artist's sketch of what the Birthday Bandit looks like. Please, if anyone sees this man near Johnny B's house or work today, call the police immediately. As the Noid ruins pizzas, the Birthday Bandit ruins birthdays. Let's make sure that doesn't happen to Johnny; not this year. I've also contacted McGruff the crime dog and the neighborhood watch group, so now all we can do is wait and hope.

All of this talk about birthdays and reminiscing about old time with Johnny B reminds me of the year he got the toy My Buddy. The picture below is a "before" picture and I wish I had an "after" picture, but before the name Johnny B Fro existed, Johnny was dubbed Destructo Man. The doll started out in perfect shape, but after a few weeks he started to look a little different. Johnny gave him haircuts lopping off large chunks at a time. He started to color on him with markers, he gouged his head with blunt objects and otherwise managed to turn him into something much scarier than even Chucky from the movie Child's Play. In the end though, I would say My Buddy was a wise investment. Normally young children tire of their toys after a short time. But with so many ways to mangle and warp the figure of this doll it actually turned into a great use of time and My Buddy became a part of our family. R.I.P, My, no, "Our" Buddy.

In other news, I want to announce it here first. As many of you know I have a band called All Things Considered. We are working on a new album which will include many fan favorites such as a reprisal of Bearded Lady, and other new hits such as To Be Decided. Now, Johnny B. was and is our biggest fan. He's been to many shows and has memorized all of our song lyrics. To better demonstrate his devotion, Johnny even started his own band using one of our former band names and they attempted to cover some of our songs (unfortunately Hunter couldn't "play that fast" and they had to abandon the idea) To honor his devotion as well as his guitar skills, Johnny B. is officially joining the band as our bassist. Since I'm in NH and he's in Utah all of our practices and shows will be conducted through conference calls or online, but nonetheless, we won't stop rocking, not even for a little bit. You can check out our website to see a quick bio for our new bassist -

In conclusion, Happy Birthday B-Fro! Please avoid the Birthday Bandit and don't break all of your new toys right away.


  1. I had a My Buddy when I was little. But I respected him. I even dressed him in my little sister's clothes. And then I dressed her in his clothes (she was very little at the time). Then I walked down the stairs with both of them in my arms and waited until my mom looked at me, then I "accidentally" dropped the My Buddy, which tumbled down the stairs, and which my mom thought was my sister because she didn't get a very good look. My mom freaked out. But she shouldn't have, because both my sister and my My Buddy were safe.

  2. Oh, and I am a little insulted that the title of biggest fan goes to Beefcake. I once traveled more than a dozen miles to go to one of your shows. I inspired two of your songs. I put together your album cover. I have posted your songs on my blog. I helped introduce you to some audio-editing software. I helped carry equipment at some of your shows. When your band was at its popularity peak, I wasn't off serving a mission somewhere while your band needed support.

    Before you formed the official band, I went around in your door-to-door musical troupe and sang songs to women. I even went out once without you, in your name, and met a hot Argentine/Pole and a mysterious grocery bagger named Faith and then introduced them to you. One of them ended up being your wife after a romantic evening at the Branbury Ball, a monster truck rally where she paid for a Taco Bell dinner, some unintelligible "love" language during Karate Kid, and even a few lonely moments when a combination of yours truly and Enya saved you from more than a few tears.

    (For the benefit of any third parties reading who don't know the end of the story, Chris got the hot Argentine/Pole, not the mysterious bagger.)

    If that doesn't convince you that I am your biggest fan, then maybe I should show you the tattoo on my inner thigh of Bruce McWorthington II.

    If you still need further convincing, then how about the fact that a band member can't be the biggest fan of the band--and now that Mr. Beefylips is in the band, whether he was actually the biggest fan before is irrelevant.

    I was going to volunteer to be the bugler in your band, for FREE, but now I am not, because I am afraid you'll start telling people some random girl on purevolume is your biggest fan.

    Happy Birthday, Beef -- I just had you for dinner!

  3. Please include the following nicknames:
    Beefy Fro
    Fro Miester
    Fro Diddly
    Fro-f n'loaf

  4. um this is the fro i just want to say that i am honered to be a part of the greatest punk band ever. i also want to add that i don't remember johnny b bad looking like liberace and may favorit wrestler was the ultimate warrior just so you know. and to zach i relize that you had a part in the band but while you were playing pattie cake with knight rider i was there when chris the hiss was writing such never before heard classics like circle of freinds. and when he was receving inspiration from the jazz singer move i was there. i was at the first show ever when chris charged carries friends to listen to him play. so i hope this clears up who is the #1 fan.

  5. Look, Fro-f n'Loaf,

    Being around the longest doesn't make you the biggest fan, although I have some longevity of my own--I still have a 7-10 Split sticker on the back window of my truck where it's been for the last almost-nine years.

    I was there for 7-10 Split, Max Payne, Leech Ate, All Things Considered, and everything in between. I still probably have more Leech Ate shirts than any non band member.

    If you're still not convinced--how about this for a slam-dunk argument--you are family and are obligated to be a fan. I am only a friend to Chris because first I was his fan. I am a fan for the music and for the Chris, not because blood is thicker than water. My fandom is like adding gelatin to water--which makes it much thicker than blood.

    As a gesture of goodwill towards his most loyal of fans, the Chris once bought me a flying superman action figure. I still have that aerodynamic wonder. I see it and it reminds me how much of a fan you are not.

    He also got me an indestructible plant once as a housewarming gift. To show him how far the limits of my fandom stretched, I destructed that indestructible plant. It was a symbolic gesture of reverent homage.

    Has your fandom ever reached ritualistic proportions? I thought not.

    I do like the idea of playing patty cake with knight rider, though.